I am hoping this blog works out for me. Regardless, it will still be a place for me to journal. I remember back in 1989, I was in a place of hopelessness. I was losing everything that was important to me. I had serious depression which caused me to be unable to function "normally". I began to gamble, drink, use sex to get love, and then food to numb me. (insight gained years later). I was a fucking mess.
I began attending an over eaters anonymous meeting, thinking my food intake was the problem. Over the course of the next few months, I began to realize food wasn't my only problem. And I was more of a mess than I thought. I heard of these 12 step meetings from my counselor and began going to ACA (adult children of alcoholics) meetings. I didn't grow up with parents who were boozers, yet their behavior was so similar that I found myself identifying more with that group than any other. It took me a while to be able to speak of my history, problems, and to admit my failings. But there were people there who were worse off than me, and that gave me courage to open up. I am a person who never cries. Yet I found myself feeling pain as I shared some memories from my past. First my eyes would well up. After awhile a tear or two would trickle down my cheek. I was so embarrassed. I witnessed other's pain and sorrow expressed with anger and sobbing. After awhile, I began letting go, too. Over time I developed a commrodary with others, that was quite different from any relationship I had before. I was among people who had similar back grounds, similar addictions, and similar beliefs. To make a long story short, over the years I was able to let go of many things from my past, realize the implications of my behaviors, understand WHY I had the beliefs I did, and learn to create new beliefs for myself that I felt comfortable with. I also eventually let go of the strict catholic God I grew up fearing and was able to see a new higher power, who is still God to me, but a gentler-all loving God who loves me despite myself. I learned to incorporate the 12 steps into my daily life, and as I did so, I began to see such a difference in my life. How I did things. How I treated people. How I became my own best friend. I was a changed person. I am a changed person. I continue to grow every day. I try to appreciate every day, and face each situation that presents itself in my life, with patience, honesty, and prayer. This is my story. Well, some of it. There is so much more.